Now Boarding

We boarded a plane this morning. It took forever. This is how it went.

Ladies and gentlemen, we’ll begin general boarding in just a few minutes for Flight 5678 to Houston. We ask that you remain seated in the gate area until your group or row number is called.

At this time we’d like to welcome all uniformed military personnel and First Class passengers.
Platinum Elite Access members may now board at any time.

Thank you for your patience. Star Alliance Gold and Silver Elite Access members, welcome aboard.

We’ll now board Bronze Elite Access members.

Welcome, Tin and Aluminum Elite Access members.

Non-Alloy Elite Access members may now board – but only if the words “Not As Elite As You Thought!” are displayed on your boarding pass.

Travelers with small children. Out of consideration for your fellow passengers, please stow all infants in the overhead bins.

Passengers requiring extra time to get down the jetway. This includes the morbidly obese! And don’t forget about our large selection of chemically injected processed food available for purchase on today’s flight.

Continuing with pre-boarding, we’d like to welcome all passengers with one leg or one arm (and make certain you’re not seated in an emergency exit row).

Chase Bank credit card holders.

AAA Club members (get a 10% in-flight discount on a bag of peanuts that used to be free!)

Costco Club members (must show boarding pass and receipt upon exiting the plane)

Wannabe Platinum but Perpetually Stuck at Wood Level Elite Access members

Paper Mâché Elite Access members

Hair Club members

Any passengers who were dumb enough to pay us a crap load of money for “priority boarding” privileges.

Thank you again ladies and gentlemen. We are now ready to start the general boarding process for the four remaining passengers in the gate area. We will board by rows, beginning with rows 36-38. Rows 34-36. Rows 32-34…

Now boarding, everyone but you.